“When did you know you were gay?”

Recently, some black CNN News Anchor came out of the closet.  I was reading the interview, and he was asked, “when did you know you were gay?”  He politely responded, “since I was knee high to a duck.”

I mean, aren’t we at a place in our modern lives to understand that people are born this way?  I know there’s two opposing arguments here, but you know your gay or straight the moment you’re either chasing around girls in the schoolyard, or staring at cute Jimmy from across the desk.  It’s not like they discover these feelings when they’re older and are aware of the taboo on homosexuality.  Gay guys know they like other guys as soon as straight guys know they like girls.

It all boils down to sexual preference – you like dicks, or you like chicks.  If it wasn’t biological, then how come nobody ever asks the question, “when did you know you were straight?”

“Hey Peter, when did you know you were straight?” -

“I knew I liked girls since I was knee high.  I’ve been a creepy old man since the 1st grade, when I tried to look up my teacher’s skirt.”

1st Base, All the Way

When I was in eighth grade, I went out with this white girl named Jamie for about a month.  Nothing serious at the time.  I was 13.  It was my first “girlfriend” actually, so I never really had any experience with anyone else.  One day, she said her parents were out of town, so she invited me to her place to watch movies.  We were sitting on her couch, watching a movie I wasn’t even paying attention to.  After about 10 minutes, she gets up, straddles me on the couch, and then holds me.  I think she expected me to do something here, but I’ve never done anything like this in my life, let  alone kiss a girl. So I sat there motionless for about five minutes. 

At that point, she knew I wasn’t even going to attempt to make the first move, so she asked if I wanted to go to her bedroom.  We walk in and sit down on her bed, she faces me, and starts making out with me.  Awesome.  I don’t know how this works, so I just open my mouth, stick my tongue out, and put it in her mouth.  But I just lay it there, like some slug.  “Move your tongue around!” she says, so I do.  I feel like I’m doing the most naughtiest thing in the world right now, kissing a white girl, in her bedroom, with her parents gone.  So after a while, we take a break and I notice a Trojan Condom poster she has plastered on her wall.  I ask her, “hey, if I asked you to have sex with me, would you do it?”  She nods.  Cool, I thought, and went back to kissing her.  After a few more minutes, I felt like I’ve had enough kissing for the day, so I got up and went home.

She dumped me a week later.

Starbucks Interview

When I was 18, I interviewed at a nearby Starbucks to make some extra money.  During this time, I knew a few other people that worked at Starbucks who regularly gave out free drinks to friends.  I heard that this was normal and was even told that it was sometimes encouraged by supervisors.  I guess not.

Near the end of the interview with the Starbucks manager -

Starbucks Manager : So Peter, if you were a barista at Starbucks, would you ever give out free drinks to anyone?

Peter : Yea, sure.

(manager has startled look on his face.)

Peter : I mean, maybe my mom…

(startled look still on manager’s face.)

Peter : If… it… was… her… birthday?

(Manager then slowly looks down at my application and writes something down. Probably along the lines of “candidate is an imbecile.”)

SM : So Peter… thank you for coming in, I’ll give you a call to let you know if you get the job.  Do you have any questions for me?

(At this point, I’m pretty sure that fucked that interview up, and had absolutely no chance of getting the job.  So I decided, I might as well go down in flames.)

Peter : Um yea actually.  Do you guys do drug testing?

(Same startled look re-appears on manager’s face.)

SM : Um, no.

Peter : Okay good.  Thanks.

Facebook Has Unbanned Me

*read previous post first*

Part II

[14:37] jellyxxjean: peter
[14:37] jellyxxjean: you have been reactivated
[15:24] saltnvlnegar: its not working
[15:24] jellyxxjean: did they email u
[15:25] saltnvlnegar: yea
[15:25] jellyxxjean: did you follow the instructions peter
[15:26] saltnvlnegar: no directions
[15:26] saltnvlnegar: i forwarded it to u
[15:30] jellyxxjean: try
[15:30] jellyxxjean: again
[15:31] saltnvlnegar: i love you
[15:31] jellyxxjean: fucken peter dude
[15:31] saltnvlnegar: are you embarrassed…
[15:31] jellyxxjean: what do you think
[15:31] saltnvlnegar: dude
[15:31] saltnvlnegar: i told you u didn’t have to do it man
[15:31] jellyxxjean: i know
[15:31] jellyxxjean: i did it
[15:31] jellyxxjean: done
[15:32] saltnvlnegar: sorry
[15:36] saltnvlnegar: can i still have lunch there
[15:44] jellyxxjean: no

Facebook Banned Me

Part I

[12:03] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:03] saltnvlnegar: jean
[12:03] saltnvlnegar: are you there
[12:05] jellyxxjean: yeah
[12:05] jellyxxjean: im here
[12:05] saltnvlnegar: dude
[12:05] saltnvlnegar: fb deleted my account
[12:05] jellyxxjean: whats your gmail address
[12:05] jellyxxjean: wait why
[12:05] saltnvlnegar: oh
[12:05] jellyxxjean: let me look if up
[12:05] jellyxxjean: it
[12:05] saltnvlnegar: i may have threatened someone
[12:05] jellyxxjean: give me
[12:05] jellyxxjean: your email address
[12:06] saltnvlnegar: peterko@gmail.com
[12:06] saltnvlnegar: or pekox@ucla.edu
[12:06] jellyxxjean: LOL
[12:06] jellyxxjean: LOL
[12:06] jellyxxjean: LOL
[12:06] jellyxxjean: LOL
[12:06] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:06] saltnvlnegar: what
[12:06] saltnvlnegar: you have to read the entire thread
[12:07] saltnvlnegar: what did fb say i do?
[12:07] jellyxxjean: its not because
[12:07] jellyxxjean: you threatened anyone
[12:07] saltnvlnegar: ok
[12:07] saltnvlnegar: ????
[12:07] jellyxxjean: lol
[12:07] jellyxxjean: petter
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: what????
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: what happneed/??
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: fuck dude
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: stupid ford
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: it’s ford huh
[12:08] Meebo Message: Could not IM buddy
[12:08] jellyxxjean: nah dude
[12:08] jellyxxjean: lol
[12:08] jellyxxjean: its because
[12:08] jellyxxjean: you have hella rejected friend requests from femails
[12:08] jellyxxjean: females
[12:08] jellyxxjean: lol
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: hahahahaha
[12:08] saltnvlnegar: omg
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: are you serious
[12:09] jellyxxjean: 300+ rejections
[12:09] jellyxxjean: lol
[12:09] jellyxxjean: fucken peter
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: why does that warrant
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: OMG
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: lolol
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: hahaha
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: i have like 400+ that added me!
[12:09] saltnvlnegar: doesn’t that count for anything?
[12:10] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:10] saltnvlnegar: omg
[12:10] saltnvlnegar: it’s not like it’s fucking match.com
[12:10] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:10] saltnvlnegar: i still dont get it
[12:10] saltnvlnegar: why does that get me kicked out
[12:11] saltnvlnegar: helo????
[12:11] Meebo Message: Could not IM buddy
[12:12] saltnvlnegar: heloooO???
[12:12] jellyxxjean: because
[12:12] jellyxxjean: you’re a creeper
[12:12] jellyxxjean: thats why
[12:12] saltnvlnegar: hahahaha
[12:12] jellyxxjean: im serious
[12:13] saltnvlnegar: well that’s not stated in the “why was i disabled” FAQ!
[12:13] saltnvlnegar: that’s so retarded
[12:13] saltnvlnegar: i thought it was like myspace
[12:13] jellyxxjean: 340 rejected
[12:13] saltnvlnegar: you just try add all the hot white girls
[12:13] saltnvlnegar: i’m persistent
[12:14] saltnvlnegar: dude, i dont know half the people on my fb list
[12:14] saltnvlnegar: wait a minute
[12:14] saltnvlnegar: so i’m permanently banned
[12:15] jellyxxjean: lol
[12:15] jellyxxjean: freaken peter
[12:15] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:15] saltnvlnegar: am i banned?
[12:16] saltnvlnegar: that’s so stupid
[12:16] saltnvlnegar: then what’s the whole purpose of facebook??
[12:16] saltnvlnegar: i can just make another account right
[12:19] jellyxxjean: lol
[12:19] jellyxxjean: i can help you out
[12:19] jellyxxjean: but
[12:19] jellyxxjean: lol
[12:19] jellyxxjean: fn a peter
[12:19] jellyxxjean: i have to tell these ppl
[12:19] jellyxxjean: that you’re my friend
[12:20] saltnvlnegar: nm
[12:20] saltnvlnegar: its ok
[12:20] saltnvlnegar: i’ll just create a new one
[12:20] jellyxxjean: hahaha
[12:20] jellyxxjean: i’ll write an email
[12:20] jellyxxjean: to the department
[12:20] saltnvlnegar: will it make you look bad
[12:20] jellyxxjean: that handles these kind of situations
[12:20] saltnvlnegar: what department is that
[12:20] saltnvlnegar: To Whom It May Concern,
[12:21] saltnvlnegar: Can you please reinstate facebook user peterko@gmail.com
[12:21] saltnvlnegar: He will not try to add random females again
[12:21] saltnvlnegar: but to his credit, he did manage to add 400 random girls as well
[12:22] jellyxxjean: freaken peter
[12:22] saltnvlnegar: hey, couldn’t i atleast gotten a warning? like, “peter ko, please stop adding people you do not know”
[12:23] saltnvlnegar: this is such bullshit
[12:23] saltnvlnegar: i’m actually upset now
[12:23] jellyxxjean: not really
[12:23] jellyxxjean: its not bs
[12:23] jellyxxjean: theres a lot of creepers out there
[12:23] jellyxxjean: you dont know what ppl
[12:23] jellyxxjean: do on fb
[12:23] saltnvlnegar: yea but you have the option to decline
[12:24] saltnvlnegar: that’s really discriminatory
[12:24] saltnvlnegar: against creepers
[12:24] saltnvlnegar: I’m gonna get Larry Flynt’s lawyer on this
[12:27] jellyxxjean: i cant believe this
[12:27] jellyxxjean: omg
[12:27] saltnvlnegar: what
[12:28] saltnvlnegar: you’re not gonna get fired are you
[12:28] jellyxxjean: hahahaha
[12:28] saltnvlnegar: i’d feel really guilty
[12:28] jellyxxjean: why am i friends with u
[12:28] jellyxxjean: why
[12:29] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:29] saltnvlnegar: what happened
[12:29] saltnvlnegar: you know what
[12:29] saltnvlnegar: forget it
[12:29] saltnvlnegar: i’ll just make a new one
[12:29] saltnvlnegar: are you risking anything
[12:29] jellyxxjean: i dont think
[12:29] jellyxxjean: you’ll be able to make a new account
[12:29] jellyxxjean: with the same email address
[12:29] saltnvlnegar: so i’ll make a new one
[12:30] saltnvlnegar: hey but what happened, what they say
[12:30] saltnvlnegar: dude, i feel like you’re my mom, and i just got in trouble with the cops
[12:30] saltnvlnegar: and you’re trying to get me out of it
[12:31] saltnvlnegar: am i going to jail
[12:32] jellyxxjean: i sent the email peter
[12:32] jellyxxjean: my goodness
[12:32] jellyxxjean: this is ridiculous
[12:32] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:32] saltnvlnegar: hahah
[12:32] saltnvlnegar: send me the email
[12:32] Meebo Message: Could not IM buddy
[12:32] saltnvlnegar: we are forever bonded
[12:33] saltnvlnegar: by my creeper status
[12:33] jellyxxjean: i,

I see that Peter’s account got disabled because he has more than 300+ female friend request rejections. I know Peter and he is not a creeper and didn’t mean any harm. He was doing this as a joke and would like you guys to please re-consider and re-enable his account. He will not be doing this again.

[12:34] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:34] saltnvlnegar: i can’t believe creeper is in your work vernacular
[12:34] jellyxxjean: fucken peter
[12:35] saltnvlnegar: omg
[12:35] saltnvlnegar: i can’t imagine your position
[12:35] saltnvlnegar: hahaha
[12:35] jellyxxjean: FUCKEN PETER
[12:35] saltnvlnegar: dude
[12:36] saltnvlnegar: i’m touched
[12:36] saltnvlnegar: i owe you
[12:36] saltnvlnegar: i’ll buy you garlic ice cream at the festival
[12:36] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:37] saltnvlnegar: are you mad??
[12:37] saltnvlnegar: i told you, you didn’t have to do it
[12:37] jellyxxjean: not mad
[12:37] saltnvlnegar: …just disappointed
[12:37] saltnvlnegar: lol
[12:37] saltnvlnegar: omg
[12:37] saltnvlnegar: i’ve been laughing for like 30 minutes
[12:38] saltnvlnegar: mostly from embarrassment
[12:38] saltnvlnegar: imagine how I feel!

missed opportunity

One night last summer, I went out drinking and came home around 2:30. I was watching TV for a while and started to doze off. All of a sudden I got a call from this girl I knew in Palo Alto, at like, 4:00 in the morning. The call woke me up and a was a bit disoriented and still buzzed from the alcohol. She actually just got home from a night of drinking as well, and I guess she didn’t want the night to end.

She kept asking me to come over, and I kept telling her that I was still kind of drunk and that I didn’t want to drive 30 minutes and risk getting a DUI or even passing out on the wheel. I wasn’t even sure what was going to happen if I went over there; we’ve only messed around a little bit in the past. So after a few minutes of her trying to convince me to drive all the way over there, and me not wanting to risk it without even knowing the outcome, she groaned, “Peter! Just COME OVER. I wanna fuuuuuuuck…”

That took me by surprise. All I could muster up was, “what?” And then she immediately replied, “No, I didn’t mean that… but just come over please…” That was pretty much all I needed to hear to bring me to my horny senses.

I told her I would get there as soon as possible. I got off the phone and starting putting on my clothes when my stomach started to rumble. Fuck. I had to take a shit. It wasn’t one of those regular shits either. It was one of those where you sit there and it feels like there’s always more waiting to come out. I ended up sitting on the toilet for 15 goddamn minutes.

After I was done, I raced over to 7-11 to pick up some condoms. I parked and ran to the door. There was a sign – Closed For An Hour For Cleaning. What. The. Fuck. One of the few times I ever desperately needed anything from 7-11 and it was closed. So I drove over to the Safeway, ran around the aisles looking for the condoms, and headed to the cashier. As always, in the middle of the night, there was no one there. So I started yelling out “HELLOOO” to get some attention.

The night employee casually strolled toward the open register a few minutes later. I bought my things, and looked at my watch. Just wasted 30 fucking minutes taking a shit and buying condoms. Finally, I started heading over to Palo Alto, which was another 30 minute drive. I was so pre-occupied about trying to get to her place, that I didn’t realize it would’ve been an hour since we last spoke, until I finally arrive in front of her apartment.

Anxiously, I started calling her. She didn’t pick up. Called her a few more times. No answer. I ended up calling her about 10 times and leaving her a few voice messages and a text, in a span of 10 minutes. It also took me that long from being completely excited, to end up being in absolute despair. After my last call, I realized nothing was going to come out of this. So I ended up driving home. Feeling defeated. With 20 pack of unused condoms in a Safeway bag in the passenger seat. At 5:00 in the morning. At the beginning of a beautiful sunrise. Only I would go through such a trek and end up in this type of situation. Welcome to my life.

indecisive

A few years back I was studying abroad in Korea for the summer.  I was taking the bus home with a friend and noticed a group a school girls walking along the sidewalk.  We couldn’t really tell if they were in high school or in college, but some of them were pretty cute.  So while both of us were checking them out, I casually asked him if he would hook up with one.

Me : Hey, would you ever get with a really hot 16 year old?

Friend : Fuck yea!

Me : Really?? (with a disgusted look on my face)

Friend : I don’t know… maybe.

Me : Maybe?

Friend : psshhh, No!

Don’t Take This the Wrong Way

I was at the Bubble Lounge one weekend, with a friend, for someone’s birthday. If you’ve never been there, it’s a huge, multi-level bar that specializes in champagne. It’s really nice inside, but it’s also dimly lit. That could either be a good thing or a bad thing. We’ll find out. So my friend noticed two girls that were in the corner by themselves. He wanted me to play wingman, and I agreed, so we went over there and began chatting them up. Things were going well; nice casual small talk and whatnot. But it was so dim I couldn’t tell exactly how they looked. But from what I could gather, not so pleasant looking. We ended up mingling for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden, my friend sees some other girls he wants to talk to, completely ditches us, leaving me hanging with these two girls I don’t really care to talk to. It got awkward really fast. So we just of stood there in silence for a few seconds, and then the girl I was talking to shuffled around a bit, and moved into a little better lighting. She was actually slightly above-average looking, so me being the natural charmer that I am, patted her on the back and commented, “Hey, you don’t look that bad.” Oops. Did not mean for it to come out like that. But she obviously took it that way. She gave me a scowl, which actually did make her look less attractive. At that point, I felt that it was so awkward, the only thing I could do was walk away. So I did. Two hours and eight drinks later, I saw her talking to some other guy in the same dark corner. I hope he had better luck than I did.

Don’t Bogart all the Dumplings

I was eating at a Chinese restaurant during my lunch break one day, and there was an Asian family sitting in front of me. They had a boy and a girl who looked like they were both under five years old. I noticed that the young mom was pretty Americanized, as she was speaking fluent English. The kids were fighting over some food, and then the mom scolds the son, “Jason! Stop Bogarting all the dumplings!” What the fuck? Who tells that to their kid? Like, he would actually have to understand what that means, right? Then he must also probably use that phrase as well. Is this kid going around school using it? “Hey! Stop Bogarting all the goddamn crayons!” Who even says that anymore? She must be a complete douche bag to even use that word, let alone to her five year old son.

Another time at Blockbuster, I saw another young mom with her little child. He must have been like three or four. He kept asking all these questions about the different movies on the shelves. I guess the mom got a little irritated and couldn’t take it anymore, so she said, “HEY. Chill out.” Jesus, they talk to their kids like they’re their friends. What is wrong with these parents? Well, I don’t have kids, so I’m sure there’s a lot of stress involved in raising kids that I don’t even know about. Although, there was something funny that Louis C.K. said during one of his stand-ups supporting these reactions from these parents. “I have a daughter, and she’s a fucking asshole.”

I’ll Just Have a Glass of Water

For those of you that regularly frequent bars and clubs, you know we all spend a good chunk of our paycheck on drinks. But it’s come to a point where it’s become a necessity; part of our budgeting where we expect to spend so many dollars on a night out. Well, those days are over. I am sick of spending $100 a night just to get drunk and have nothing to show for it. I might as well drink for a fraction of that price, and have nothing to show for it. So for the past few months, I’ve been bringing flasks whenever I go out. I’ve heard from bartenders, that bringing in a flask is frowned upon, and they will confiscate it if found. So what I usually do is go to the bar and ask for some water or soda, and I’ll also mention that I’m DD for the night (unwritten rule at most bars – if you are DD you are supposed to be given free non-alcoholic drinks all night). So I’ll get my soda, take inside a bathroom stall, pour out half of my drink, and fill the rest back up with my flask. I go through this motion a couple times throughout the night. So by the end of the night, I’m still asking for free drinks, stating that I am “DD”, while I look drunk out of my mind, eyes sluggish and wandering. At this point I’m sure the bartender knows I’m completely smashed, but gives me the soda for free anyways. And I still managed to have a good time while only spending $10 for alcohol. Cheap? Call it economical. Not-so-classy? Not if I was in the 50s. Brilliant? Yes.